The ever so constant cycle of change

Change.  It’s inevitable, it’s frightening, it’s awesome, and sometimes it happens rarely, at other times, a lot.  For me, I feel like ever since I had my son, Parker, one of the “constants” of my life, is the aspect of change.  I’m always changing, he’s always changing, life all around is at every given moment.

Memorial Day weekend holds a special place in my heart.  It’s in my eyes, kind of the “start” of summer, but even more importantly, it was the holiday weekend I started my flirting with my husband.  It kind of has a special place in my past, because I remember it like it was yesterday, flirting, feeling young, feeling invincible, driven……..These days I’m lucky to be driven to turn the coffee pot on….oh the change. Good changes, no AMAZING changes, but yes, lots of never ending change.

It’s also the last weekend I had on my maternity leave one year ago.  That brought on any and every emotion as I got ready to go back to work full time, and raise my kid during the day full time.  My sister and I with two first borns born two weeks apart, both ended our maternity leave at the same time…..so hard.   Let me tell you, this has been the HARDEST year of my life.  Most rewarding?? Yes, and then some, but my oh my what has changed in just one year…as expected, but still changing.

Which brings me to the present tense.  I feel like ever since my son has been born not only has he changed, which is a given, he’s now almost 15months, but I’ve changed…more then I could’ve ever imagined.  There are days I feel like I’m having an identity crisis more then know who I am, there are days I feel like ok this works I got this, and there are days I want EVERYTHING to be different.  For me, motherhood has brought change to my life in more ways then I can count.  Sure there’s the obvious, I don’t sleep, I have no life, I don’t work out a lot, my needs are rarely met, etc.  But I’m mostly talking about the mental aspect, I feel like I’m on a constant path to finding myself and then reinventing myself.

Will I ever feel settled?  Maybe now as a mother that’s just out of the question?  I don’t know, I see a lot of moms who have a good system down, a beautiful home, peace.   I think I’m still searching for some in certain ways.

There’s my career.  I mean I’ve seen job postings that I would’ve jumped at preParker, heck premarriage, but I find myself stopping and remembering, no I’m not that person anymore.  I have to remind myself that my life ….is different.  Sometimes it stings, but most of the time I accept it.  I feel lost a lot trying to do it all, be with my child all day, and work all night, and function like a human, but I’m trying.   To me, it beats the alternative, we don’t make enough for day care, and I’m not going to look for a new job to pay for day care.

My constant is that I’m a mother, I’m a wife, and I’ve always dreamed about being both, more so then the career stuff.  So I remind myself that there’s always the future to maybe try and get that “dream position”, but for right now, my family comes first.  I think having children in your mid 30’s makes you content with that, because I have done a LOT of living, and I’m more then happy to focus mostly on my family now.  But it’s also the opposite, I only know that hungry DJ looking to better herself, I’m just learning who this mother and wife are that care more about what’s inside her home, then what I am actually doing for a living.  True story.  We get one life, my family comes first  now, and lets be honest, always.

It’s a lot, it’s waves, it’s the forever changing journey to self and life.  I hope that one day I feel a little bit more settled, but for now, I kind of like the fact that a lot of my life is maybe still a mystery.  Since I found my husband, I did settle down, maybe there is so so much still for us all to explore and embark upon together.   Open doors, new journeys, for myself, and my entire family.

I guess whenever I feel lost, and uncertain about my present or my future, the one thing that settles my mind, is that THIS is what I’ve dreamed about, so new opportunities and adventures are just new dreams and goals.  It’s ok to always be kind of searching for more in this life, because there is a WHOLE big world out there ready to be grabbed.

I am in a constant state of change.  But it’s NEVER change for the worse, I happen to think it’s always change for the better.  Whatever is meant to be, it will be decided upon with my family in my mind first, not just a lonely seeking girl.  I’m a married experienced mother, with the best people to journey through life with then I ever could’ve imagined.

Cheers to change, now, and always.

Namaste, and Rock On!

  14 Replies to “The ever so constant cycle of change”

  1. Donna
    May 25, 2017 at 8:55 pm

    You ARE my people

  2. Julie
    May 25, 2017 at 9:32 pm

    💗💗💗💗💗💗💗

  3. Barbara
    May 25, 2017 at 11:31 pm

    great perspective on life……..yet it applies to so many women with families, their children, husbands and our extended family….It is a wonderful place in life to be content and focused. There will always be time in the future to follow our careers, to focus on ourselves. Young Children are not forever, it’s a small piece of time in our lives. Enjoy it, cherish it, it is more special then we realize, until it is gone ……….Hugs, Barbara. P.s. Keep posting,

    • May 30, 2017 at 7:09 pm

      Thank you so much for always making me feel so loved and special. I love that you read my blog, it warms my heart beyond words, so thank YOU ! xo

  4. Melissa
    May 26, 2017 at 6:57 am

    Love you. You work so hard. It will get easier, sweet friend 💜

    • May 30, 2017 at 7:08 pm

      I really hope so, especially with you by my side and our future plans xoxo

  5. Joseph A. Della Ferra
    May 26, 2017 at 3:38 pm

    Lindsay, love every day like you are doing. Life is changes; and before you know, you will not be changing Parker’s diapers. The Rolling Stones wrote “Time Waits For Noone.” They are right.

    • May 30, 2017 at 7:08 pm

      I know it’s crazy! I try to treasure this time with him, he’s at such a fun age!!!

  6. Liv
    May 26, 2017 at 5:46 pm

    Awww…his hair is getting so long! Nope…I don’t think you’ll ever feel settled. Things are constantly changing when you have kids. You just have to learn to roll with it. And from what I can see you’re off to a good start!

    • May 30, 2017 at 7:07 pm

      Thank you! I totally agree, priorities change so much on a day to day basis, I guess I’ll just take each turn as it comes and make a decision accordingly;)

  7. May 26, 2017 at 10:19 pm

    I remember feeling so weird when Scarlet was 15-16 months! Partly because I stopped nursing then, but feeling settled.. man.. I don’t know. I feel like our 30’s are all about searching. Not our 20’s anymore! You’re still building a family and for now, that’s the best and most important job in life. So you’re settled in that!
    All the other stuff is just gravy and it will come.

    • May 30, 2017 at 7:07 pm

      I agree 100%. I feel totally lost in everything except my family…..As you know, and I’ve told you, this made me feel SO much better!!!!! Love you sis, my mentor…

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