Change. It’s inevitable, it’s frightening, it’s awesome, and sometimes it happens rarely, at other times, a lot. For me, I feel like ever since I had my son, Parker, one of the “constants” of my life, is the aspect of change. I’m always changing, he’s always changing, life all around is at every given moment.
Memorial Day weekend holds a special place in my heart. It’s in my eyes, kind of the “start” of summer, but even more importantly, it was the holiday weekend I started my flirting with my husband. It kind of has a special place in my past, because I remember it like it was yesterday, flirting, feeling young, feeling invincible, driven……..These days I’m lucky to be driven to turn the coffee pot on….oh the change. Good changes, no AMAZING changes, but yes, lots of never ending change.
It’s also the last weekend I had on my maternity leave one year ago. That brought on any and every emotion as I got ready to go back to work full time, and raise my kid during the day full time. My sister and I with two first borns born two weeks apart, both ended our maternity leave at the same time…..so hard. Let me tell you, this has been the HARDEST year of my life. Most rewarding?? Yes, and then some, but my oh my what has changed in just one year…as expected, but still changing.
Which brings me to the present tense. I feel like ever since my son has been born not only has he changed, which is a given, he’s now almost 15months, but I’ve changed…more then I could’ve ever imagined. There are days I feel like I’m having an identity crisis more then know who I am, there are days I feel like ok this works I got this, and there are days I want EVERYTHING to be different. For me, motherhood has brought change to my life in more ways then I can count. Sure there’s the obvious, I don’t sleep, I have no life, I don’t work out a lot, my needs are rarely met, etc. But I’m mostly talking about the mental aspect, I feel like I’m on a constant path to finding myself and then reinventing myself.
Will I ever feel settled? Maybe now as a mother that’s just out of the question? I don’t know, I see a lot of moms who have a good system down, a beautiful home, peace. I think I’m still searching for some in certain ways.
There’s my career. I mean I’ve seen job postings that I would’ve jumped at preParker, heck premarriage, but I find myself stopping and remembering, no I’m not that person anymore. I have to remind myself that my life ….is different. Sometimes it stings, but most of the time I accept it. I feel lost a lot trying to do it all, be with my child all day, and work all night, and function like a human, but I’m trying. To me, it beats the alternative, we don’t make enough for day care, and I’m not going to look for a new job to pay for day care.
My constant is that I’m a mother, I’m a wife, and I’ve always dreamed about being both, more so then the career stuff. So I remind myself that there’s always the future to maybe try and get that “dream position”, but for right now, my family comes first. I think having children in your mid 30’s makes you content with that, because I have done a LOT of living, and I’m more then happy to focus mostly on my family now. But it’s also the opposite, I only know that hungry DJ looking to better herself, I’m just learning who this mother and wife are that care more about what’s inside her home, then what I am actually doing for a living. True story. We get one life, my family comes first now, and lets be honest, always.
It’s a lot, it’s waves, it’s the forever changing journey to self and life. I hope that one day I feel a little bit more settled, but for now, I kind of like the fact that a lot of my life is maybe still a mystery. Since I found my husband, I did settle down, maybe there is so so much still for us all to explore and embark upon together. Open doors, new journeys, for myself, and my entire family.
I guess whenever I feel lost, and uncertain about my present or my future, the one thing that settles my mind, is that THIS is what I’ve dreamed about, so new opportunities and adventures are just new dreams and goals. It’s ok to always be kind of searching for more in this life, because there is a WHOLE big world out there ready to be grabbed.
I am in a constant state of change. But it’s NEVER change for the worse, I happen to think it’s always change for the better. Whatever is meant to be, it will be decided upon with my family in my mind first, not just a lonely seeking girl. I’m a married experienced mother, with the best people to journey through life with then I ever could’ve imagined.
Cheers to change, now, and always.
Namaste, and Rock On!