I was talking to one of my best friends today, and I was explaining how much I miss my son. Do I see him every day and every night?? Yes, all the time actually, but it’s SO different having a four month old now as well.
I adore being a mother. I was meant to be a mother, and I’ve literally never been so exhausted and happy at the same time, in my life. This was, this is, my path. BUT, wow, mom guilt is soooo real.
There’s just nothing like your time with your first born child. Sure, every child brings to the family their unique place, and I absolutely love both of my children infinitely, but nothing can ever change or replace time spent alone with your first born. Everything is new, for both of you.
Sometimes I feel guilty about how much attention and time my four month old daughter needs from me, that it hits me like an ocean wave. I’m knocked outside of my body with guilt and a hole in my stomach, longing to be able to just get time with my son, alone, again…
The thing is, my daughter is SO needy. She is still refusing a bottle, and doesn’t understand or want food, all she wants is me. For comfort, nourishment, love, she is all about mommy! I am beyond flattered and happy to give her my attention and heart, but at times, I feel torn. I feel a distance with my son while there is so much happening with him in his toddler world, and I don’t want to miss out. I find myself asking for help, or watching from afar as I hold my infant, while others are playing and engaging with my first born. It makes me sad and a little jealous and lonely, but I know it’s just a phase, like any other, when it comes to being a parent.
I am longing for time alone, just Parker and me, and I know it will happen, but it’s been really hard to get it so far….In fact, today at story time, something that Parker and I did together alone, my daughter woke up and enjoyed it too. A piece of me was sad as my son didn’t sit on my lap, or didn’t want to be held as we marched around the room like we normally do. On the other hand, he’s had a large amount of time with it just being mommy and Parker, and it was really cool to see him be his own person, while I held the baby who also got to enjoy the activities.
It’s a tug and a pull and a give and a receive, this whole more than one child thing. I love it, but sometimes I miss my time alone with my first born. The only saving grace I have when I do feel guilty and distant from my son, is that I remind myself that he had ALL of me for 20 months ALONE. Emersyn never will have me alone, she will always be sharing me to time with her big brother, which is just the way of the world and how our family timing worked out. So when you put it like that in your head, you don’t feel “as bad”, for being absent from where you used to be 100% present.
In time I’ll get my mother and son alone time, but for now, I’m just taking it one day at a time, and one kid at a time. Every day someone isn’t in the hospital and is fed and happy is a winning day for me. I know guilt is an unnecessary part of parenthood, so I’m trying to make sure I find alone time each day with each child, even if it’s for two minutes. It helps my heart…
How do you handle your time and managing it between children?
Namaste, and Rock On!