Every time I start to think I’m getting to know myself a little better, I find a new layer of my soul to peel away at, and I get even deeper into who I am. I’m pretty sure it’s a never ending process, this journey to self, but man has it been a HUGE change ever since I became a mother.
For one thing, I used to look in the mirror and be quite proud of what I saw. No, it didn’t come naturally for me either, I worked VERY hard to be fit and healthy. As a result, it took me about three decades, but I was really happy with the reflection I saw looking back at me. These days I try to avoid mirrors. I know it’s a phase, and I tell myself that one day I’ll have the time, or maybe even energy to work out again, but mostly I just see a really tired woman with new hips, new soft spots, no definition, with a VERY large and full of love, heart, and experience.
Yup, it’s hard to look in the mirror, but I’m trying to be okay with it. I don’t really think about it too much to be honest. You need your brain to think, and most of the time, mine is on overdrive. I just accept where I am at now the best I can, and hope for the chance to get into the fit shell I had prebirth when the timing is right. That alone, is huge. The old me would’ve never been okay with an extra ten pounds. The new me is mostly too tired to care. I’m just not the kind of person who can bounce back to prebirth weight in my 30s, without putting in a lot of effort. Right now, I don’t have the time to put the effort in, that “time” is spent with my family, and that to me is more meaningful in this phase of my life.
And that, is just the surface. The physical sense of who I am, or who I was. Mentally, I’m always finding myself at different crossroads these days. Trying to make choices based on who I am today, not who I was ten years ago, or even two years ago. To be honest, it’s ALL different now, and most of the time, accepting that is the most challenging part of the journey.
There are moments I mourn the old Lindsay, the one who loved the midnight hours, staying up late….always dreaming..always dreaming of having the things I have now. I remember that too. I longed for a family, stability, a house. I have those now, how weird is that? It’s nice sometimes to miss the innocence, but I don’t ever miss the loneliness.
I love my life. I love that I DID wait until my thirties to have a baby, AND get married. I love that I had a lot of years of being fit and working out around the clock, and right now my body is telling me to slow down and appreciate the finer things in life. I had a lot of “living” on my own, and I have no regrets now that I did wait to my mid 30’s to “settle down”. I didn’t necessarily wait, I DID however never settle. I don’t miss going out, I don’t miss dating, I have never once doubted my path with my husband. It’s a lot, it’s overwhelming, it’s the good stuff, it’s life.
Every decision I make now has two others involved with it. My husband, and my son. I don’t just make a choice because I feel like doing something. I had plenty of time to do that. It’s exciting and scary at the same time, and mostly it’s just responsible, and I like that too. I love that I don’t get to live a selfish life anymore, I’m forever selfless.
I have a lot of questions that circle my brain lately with this constant peeling of my layers, and I know that as hard as some obstacles may seem, everything I choose to do will be based on what’s best for my family. It took me a heck of a long time to say that, and it was worth every hardship to get here.
The things that used to seem important, now seem trivial, and the things that are now important, are things I never once even thought about. Growth is never ending, self-knowledge is continuous, but one thing that I know will always be constant, is that each path I do take, will be based on keeping my family in mind, and in my heart. When you think of it that way, it’s like you’re never alone, so even if the layers getting peeled away may seem frightening at times, the end result is always worth the journey.
Namaste, and Rock On!