The constant peeling of our soul

Every time I start to think I’m getting to know myself a little better, I find a new layer of my soul to peel away at, and I get even deeper into who I am.  I’m pretty sure it’s a never ending process, this journey to self, but man has it been a HUGE change ever since I became a mother.

For one thing, I used to look in the mirror and be quite proud of what I saw.  No, it didn’t come naturally for me either, I worked VERY hard to be fit and healthy.  As a result, it took me about three decades, but I was really happy with the reflection I saw looking back at me.  These days I try to avoid mirrors.  I know it’s a phase, and I tell myself that one day I’ll have the time, or maybe even energy to work out again, but mostly I just see a really tired woman with new hips, new soft spots, no definition, with a VERY large and full of love, heart, and experience.

Yup, it’s hard to look in the mirror, but I’m trying to be okay with it.  I don’t really think about it too much to be honest.  You need your brain to think, and most of the time, mine is on overdrive.  I just accept where I am at now the best I can, and hope for the chance to get into the fit shell I had prebirth when the timing is right.  That alone, is huge.  The old me would’ve never been okay with an extra ten pounds.  The new me is mostly too tired to care.  I’m just not the kind of person who can bounce back to prebirth weight in my 30s, without putting in a lot of effort.  Right now, I don’t have the time to put the effort in, that “time” is spent with my family, and that to me is more meaningful in this phase of my life.

And that, is just the surface.  The physical sense of who I am, or who I was.  Mentally, I’m always finding myself at different crossroads these days.  Trying to make choices based on who I am today, not who I was ten years ago, or even two years ago.  To be honest, it’s ALL different now, and most of the time, accepting that is the most challenging part of the journey.

There are moments I mourn the old Lindsay, the one who loved the midnight hours, staying up late….always dreaming..always dreaming of having the things I have now.  I remember that too.  I longed for a family, stability, a house.  I have those now, how weird is that?  It’s nice sometimes to miss the innocence, but I don’t ever miss the loneliness.

I love my life.  I love that I DID wait until my thirties to have a baby, AND get married.  I love that I had a lot of years of being fit and working out around the clock, and right now my body is telling me to slow down and appreciate the finer things in life.   I had a lot of “living” on my own, and I have no regrets now that I did wait to my mid 30’s to  “settle down”.  I didn’t necessarily wait, I DID however never settle.  I don’t miss going out, I don’t miss dating, I have never once doubted my path with my husband.  It’s a lot, it’s overwhelming, it’s the good stuff, it’s life.

Every decision I make now has two others involved with it.  My husband, and my son.  I don’t just make a choice because I feel like doing something.  I had plenty of time to do that.  It’s exciting and scary at the same time, and mostly it’s just responsible, and I like that too.  I love that I don’t get to live a selfish life anymore, I’m forever selfless.

I have a lot of questions that circle my brain lately with this constant peeling of my layers, and I know that as hard as some obstacles may seem, everything I choose to do will be based on what’s best for my family.   It took me a heck of a long time to say that, and it was worth every hardship to get here.

The things that used to seem important, now seem trivial, and the things that are now important, are things I never once even thought about.  Growth is never ending, self-knowledge is continuous, but one thing that I know will always be constant, is that each path I do take, will be based on keeping my family in mind, and in my heart.  When you think of it that way, it’s like you’re never alone, so even if the layers getting peeled away may seem frightening at times, the end result is always worth the journey.

Namaste, and Rock On!

  15 Replies to “The constant peeling of our soul”

  1. Donna
    May 4, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    You ARE love!! I am so happy out paths have crossed! I hope they never part.

    I love reading your writings


    • May 4, 2017 at 9:11 pm

      Nice pun…. “Crossed”!

    • May 4, 2017 at 9:57 pm

      They better not! We are getting married 🙂 Love love love you! love attracts love xo

  2. May 4, 2017 at 9:11 pm

    In our spiritual work, we say we are peeling layers of an onion getting to discover self and eventually SELF.

    • May 4, 2017 at 9:58 pm

      yes! I pictured that the whole time I was writing! an onion , not as smelly though xo

  3. Joseph A. Della Ferra
    May 4, 2017 at 9:12 pm

    Lindsay, you said it best–“what’s best for my family.”

  4. Julie
    May 4, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    This is one of my most favorite blogs. You are a beautiful soul. You have a great life and a beautiful family. Love you guys !!

    • May 4, 2017 at 9:57 pm

      Aw, so glad you enjoyed it my AMAZINGLY beautiful friend inside and out! We adore you!

  5. Barbara J. Levin O'Riordan
    May 4, 2017 at 9:57 pm

    You are so darling and dear. I love reading your blog.

  6. Anonymous
    May 5, 2017 at 2:52 am

    You look great! Look in the mirror and know that, ten pounds or not (which are unnoticeable by anyone but you) makes you look better than before having that beautiful, miracle baby. I’ve seen happy babies, but yours tops the charts!

  7. May 5, 2017 at 9:27 am

    This is so profound and true! We always find new layers of ourselves and I think that is especially true when we become parents. We change as our children grow and as they force us to find new layers of ourselves. Often times, we find layers that we didn’t even know were there.

  8. Liv
    May 7, 2017 at 9:44 pm

    Children really do change everything. 😊

  9. May 8, 2017 at 8:23 pm

    What stuck with me was the line you wrote about how things that used to be important uno seems trivial and the things that are important are things you never even imagined. So true! And, I have about 50 extra pounds, but who’s counting!?!? You are beautiful, mama.

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