I thought I’d get some time to blog during my winter break from school, but that clearly didn’t happen. Here I am, two days before probably the hardest semester I’ve ever had to date, and I just got both babies to take a nap at the same time. WINNING! I figured I was due for some therapy, also known as writing.
These days, napping both children at the same time is quite difficult. Parker has been in his toddler bed for awhile, and 99% of the time refuses to nap. He gets out of his bed, disrupts me as I’m trying to get the baby to sleep, and well, it’s just not a good scene. If I need him to sleep, I have to go for a drive. Most days I just put him to bed early without a nap, but the days like today where he is a MONSTER, “ehem”, two year old, I drive until the kid passes his cranky tush out!
Then there’s Emmy. She LOVES the car and will be asleep in T-minus two seconds, BUT, she is now in the next car seat and doesn’t transition into the house well (like me). So the process basically entails taking Parker (who does transition) to his room to sleep, then working my tail off to get Emmy back to sleep. Today? It worked! It doesn’t always, and then I miss the days of the infant bucket car seat to which I’d ever so quietly place in her room by the monitor, and tip toe out. Parenthood, is 24/7 work. They don’t say that on Facebook or Instagram do they, when all we see is smiles and accomplishments of this kid and the next! But contrary to the photos, this motherhood/fatherhood/parenthood thing is NO JOKE.
But, everything that I have, I wanted. I wanted to be a radio DJ, I was. I wanted to get married, I am. I wanted a house, I have one. I wanted a baby, I have two (do you want to rent one?)! I want to become a nurse, I will be. That’s the thing about me, all that I manifest I don’t just dream about, I go out and get it. That being said, on mornings that make my stomach hurt from stress, and afternoons/evenings that leave me EXHAUSTED, I remind myself, that I wanted THIS. But, it’s okay to be human too, and feel. Sometimes I feel GREAT, and hey sometimes I just don’t.
Life is always changing one transition to the next, and it gets overwhelming. Add trying to do well in my Sciences so that I can even get into the Nursing program, on top of caring for two children the ages of 2 1/2 and 1, and a husband who is going for knee surgery the same time I start school, it’s A LOT. So like everything, I’ll take ONE DAY AT A TIME. That has been my mantra ever since my daughter was born. I thought parenthood was hard with my son, but boy was I mistaken. When I had my second child, WOW, things got realllllllly different. Amazing, but different, and VERY challenging, for me anyway.
In yoga we are always asked at the beginning of class to set an intention, and mine is ALWAYS, “to take each day, one day at a time”. The mind is a funny thing you see? Just as a I manifested my goals, I can also try to keep myself sane, by just remembering to slow down when the rest of the world is spinning.
There are definitely times that I lose my sh*t and question if I just destroyed my kid(s) forever, but overall, I’m learning daily how to be a mom, and trying my best to slow the $##$# down, forgiving myself for the times I don’t feel like I’m getting it right. I allow more time in the morning for a toddler who insists on DOING IT HIMSELF, I take breaths when I want to vomit, and I keep my cursing to a really low volume, and behind their backs….most of the time.
I literally tell myself EVERY SINGLE DAY to slow down. Just as I manifested my dreams and continue to do so, I’m really working on teaching myself how to ignore society and the world around me when I can, and just be in the moment, moments. When I can slow myself down, I can actually accomplish what I was trying to do so in the first place. At the end of the day, it all gets done. If I need to stay up all night and get my studying in, so be it. If my free time is dedicated only to studying for a few months (and not TV, or yoga, or well anything else I’d probably rather do), it’ll be worth it. Everything is temporary, and everything changes. This too shall change, this too shall pass, and like everyone tells me daily, my kids are only young once.
I don’t want to miss it, so I intentionally allow my mind to wander when it does, but I also try to bring it back as much as I can. I’m not perfect, I’m not a robot, I’m just a mom back in college trying to better my life for the sake of my family. No matter where my mind is, my body is ALWAYS HERE, and ALWAYS THERE for my children, so is my heart.
So when you’re doubting yourself as a wife, mother, friend, and heck you name it, just breathe. The days that destroy us, just make the next ones better. You are human, just as I am, and together, we are all in survival mode, all of us.
Namaste, and Rock On!