Remember when

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the evolution of self, as some days I feel more lost than I do present.  I’ve been thinking about how when I was young, it seemed so silly to hear my elders always reminiscing about stories of their past.  I constantly found myself cringing and wondering why they couldn’t just “get over it”, or live in the present.

I was very naive, I truly didn’t understand how remembering when, would become such a key part of survival for me one day….

Survival.  That sounds pretty serious doesn’t it?  It is. It’s extremely serious.  To be honest, I think that as an adult, if I didn’t go down memory lane at this phase of my life, I’d be totally lost.

Remembering when helps me see how far I’ve come, how much fun I had, how hard I worked, and just really lets me evaluate the ever so constant journey to self, I will always be on.  It once seemed so trivial and absurd to me to hear others talking about their past, and now, I think I do it daily.

The thing is, at this point in my life, I’m “in it”.  My child is 15 months old, and I work the night shift and am home with him all day during the day.  I have two full time jobs, a few part time jobs, and I look in the mirror daily and don’t know who I see looking back at me.  That’s when I remember.   I remember the past, so I know there is still a piece of the “old” me very much alive, in this new, more tired, and differently shaped physique of myself.   I remember to know I did exist, and I will again, I’m just in a “phase”….of new motherhood as a working mother, on top of it, with very little sleep.

But the juice, is SO worth the squeeze.

Not that this existence is bad, it’s just different.  I come last, always.  From my looks, to my food, to my mentality, my family comes first, and free time is a thing of the past.  Sometimes I need to remember so I can strive to get “some” of the past back someday in my future…goals.

But, I don’t just remember the past to remind myself of a person who once was, I like to remember when, to remind myself of who I am now.  Someone I always wanted to be.  Is it rainbows and unicorns and rainbow sprinkles like the motherhood ads you see on TV?  No.  It’s living.  What I thought was living before, was the path I was on to get here, to this very point of insanity that I know I’ll miss in years to come.  This insanely hard mind blowing phase of my life, yup, this is what I worked so hard on to get to.  This. This is living.

I remember when, and I know that girl is still inside me, but she has new priorities, a new look, and a new way of life.  I loved who I was, but I am in love with who I am becoming.  I remember when to make myself feel a bit human on days when I don’t know who I am.  The thing is, majority of the time, as I’m remembering “when”, I’m making new memories I’ll look back upon one day as well, and hold close to my heart.

Namaste, and Rock On!

  3 Replies to “Remember when”

  1. Joseph A. Della Ferra
    June 5, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    Like Aerosmith explained, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” Changes take place every day. You get that, Lindsay. As long as you love yourself, you will be happy no matter what happens. It was a pleasure to meet Parker and to chat with you on Saturday. Winning the Chevy Malibu Is incredible!

  2. Cathy Hagen
    June 5, 2017 at 9:28 pm

    I love your writings even when they bring tears to my eyes as this one did. You bring me to a place in my past reminding me of what I felt as my younger self when my children were little. It all comes rushing back to me through your words and it is always such a nice place to visit. Thank you!

  3. Angel
    June 6, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    I know what you’re saying in this blog, but I want to share something with you. That “old you” that you think you’ll be again? You won’t, and here’s why. With each new experience….each new milestone, you become more. You become more rich, and more deep, and more full. That you from before, she was fabulous – but the you you’re becoming….she’s beyond words. She’s a warrior, and a storyteller, and a healer, and a confidant, and a goddess. She’s pure love, and she’s always becoming more.
    I’m grateful to be a part of your becoming, and that you’re part of mine. Love you!!

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