Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the evolution of self, as some days I feel more lost than I do present. I’ve been thinking about how when I was young, it seemed so silly to hear my elders always reminiscing about stories of their past. I constantly found myself cringing and wondering why they couldn’t just “get over it”, or live in the present.
I was very naive, I truly didn’t understand how remembering when, would become such a key part of survival for me one day….
Survival. That sounds pretty serious doesn’t it? It is. It’s extremely serious. To be honest, I think that as an adult, if I didn’t go down memory lane at this phase of my life, I’d be totally lost.
Remembering when helps me see how far I’ve come, how much fun I had, how hard I worked, and just really lets me evaluate the ever so constant journey to self, I will always be on. It once seemed so trivial and absurd to me to hear others talking about their past, and now, I think I do it daily.
The thing is, at this point in my life, I’m “in it”. My child is 15 months old, and I work the night shift and am home with him all day during the day. I have two full time jobs, a few part time jobs, and I look in the mirror daily and don’t know who I see looking back at me. That’s when I remember. I remember the past, so I know there is still a piece of the “old” me very much alive, in this new, more tired, and differently shaped physique of myself. I remember to know I did exist, and I will again, I’m just in a “phase”….of new motherhood as a working mother, on top of it, with very little sleep.
But the juice, is SO worth the squeeze.
Not that this existence is bad, it’s just different. I come last, always. From my looks, to my food, to my mentality, my family comes first, and free time is a thing of the past. Sometimes I need to remember so I can strive to get “some” of the past back someday in my future…goals.
But, I don’t just remember the past to remind myself of a person who once was, I like to remember when, to remind myself of who I am now. Someone I always wanted to be. Is it rainbows and unicorns and rainbow sprinkles like the motherhood ads you see on TV? No. It’s living. What I thought was living before, was the path I was on to get here, to this very point of insanity that I know I’ll miss in years to come. This insanely hard mind blowing phase of my life, yup, this is what I worked so hard on to get to. This. This is living.
I remember when, and I know that girl is still inside me, but she has new priorities, a new look, and a new way of life. I loved who I was, but I am in love with who I am becoming. I remember when to make myself feel a bit human on days when I don’t know who I am. The thing is, majority of the time, as I’m remembering “when”, I’m making new memories I’ll look back upon one day as well, and hold close to my heart.
Namaste, and Rock On!