Well, I’ve kind of been MIA lately. I apologize to my insanely amazing readers for that. I think I just haven’t been able to write the thoughts and feelings I’ve been having. As I get further into my third trimester, things obviously are getting more real, scary, and there’s that ever so loud reminder in the back of my head, of what happened last time.
It’s funny. I can remember my mother telling us that she wouldn’t push for awhile in labor with my sister, her second born, because she remembered the pain she had when she delivered me. In a lot of ways, I feel like I’m living my own version of that. I’m definitely not ready to push yet, but the memories of my first and only birth process go in and out of my every day thoughts. Naturally, they should. But more importantly, NO two pregnancies are alike, and just as I was open to anything the first time, I feel the same this time as well. I am constantly pushing the fears away of what happened with my first born, a preemie, and hoping I can get to full term this time around. It’s a tug of war with my demons and insecurities, up against my hopes and wishes.
It’ll be so interesting when I do have the baby to see how it all panned out. Don’t you wish you could see your future self sometimes, so that they could tell you to chill the heck out!? I know I have to surrender to the unknown, and the “out of my control.” I know this. But, I also know that every single day I “cook” this baby…..means more to me then I can put into words.
I have a gut feeling about when she will arrive, but my “inner fears” that I try not to cloud my mind with, linger from time to time. I’m using them as ammo though, and energy. Instead of freezing and living in fear, I use my “fear” and channel it into doing positive things for her arrival. Doing them NOW, versus a total chaos of madness after she arrives. I had no choice but to create a nursery, unpack, close on a house and bring a preemie home ALL at the same time last time, but life is oh so different now, and I’m taking advantage of that in every way. Why shouldn’t I?!
My husband knows it, and he gets it. I wasn’t able to nest last time, and although my conscious mind doesn’t think nesting is actually necessary, it’s something FUN to do. It creates excitement, hope, and makes someone who does like to prepare, feel more at ease! I know I’m the type of person who can take anything life hands me and move forward with it, but I’m also very much enjoying this one time in my life, that I get to actually semi-prepare for the birth of my future daughter. I have the house this time, the room, the time (kind of)….and it’s been insanely amazing getting ready for her, every single second of it.
Don’t even get me started on how doctors like to scare the crap out of you. It truly is a mind game at times taking in what they say, fighting off my insecurities, and just having hope and faith. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some AMAZING medical professionals through this pregnancy as well. But just as many down to earth and calming people I’ve met, I’ve also met the ones who should learn some bed side manner at some point this century, on a truly sensitive subject to begin with. Just my two cents.
Life is hard, pregnancy is hard, it’s all worth the challenges in the end. In fact, the scary beginning I had to try to get pregnant with both kids, and/or the scary beginning I had with my son being born early, all have become distant memories. There will always be bumps in the road no matter what journey I am heading onto, but it’s how I handle them that makes and shapes the person I become. I am constantly finding new hurdles in my day to day life, so why should pregnancy be any different? I just have to take the entire journey, any journey, one day at a time.
So with that, I leave you with the only thing that gets me through this, or any journey I am on for that matter, and it’s hope. I can only hope for the best, and prepare as much as I’d like, but at the end of the day, everyone is going to be okay. This isn’t my first hardship, and it won’t be the last, but boy I can’t wait to look back one day and make sense of the insanely long and educational journeys I’ve taken to build my family. Thanks for being a part of this path, and many more!
Namaste, and Rock On!