I’ve heard it time and time again, but lately I keep wondering to myself about if and when, I were to become pregnant again. It sounds crazy right? My son, Parker, born at 32 weeks, is JUST starting to smile, making the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, and the eating machine of a human he is seem a little bit easier? Why oh why would I be thinking of doing it all over again already? But, I am.
I’m 37 years old, and it wasn’t the easiest road to get pregnant to begin with. It wasn’t by any means the hardest, it was our road. Naturally, I’m starting to already have fears about doing it all again. No two pregnancies are the same though, right? That’s the advice I’d tell my friends, and have told my friends, so why is it so hard to convince my own mind?
Being a NICU mother, my world was rocked from everything I thought would happen, to nothing happening “according to plan”. I got through it, I know I could do it again, but why does it scare the SH*T out of me? Mostly, because next time I wouldn’t be able to spend all day and all night with the baby in the NICU, I’d have another baby at home. I remember the mothers who brought in their baby’s siblings, and couldn’t stay the hours I was there for, my heart hurt for them, even if they were OK, I just feel, I feel it all.
It’s crazy how when life is a bit more calm, our human brains already start to fear something else. What I need to do instead of worry, is know that I will be high risk, I will do my best to research ways of not going into preterm labor, and heck I will PRAY I even get pregnant again! The NICU taught me to live one day at a time, but I can’t help but already worry about the “next possibility”…..
When I was having a hard time getting pregnant sometimes I would feel jealous of women who had an easy time, similarly, I keep seeing babies born at 40 weeks and I can’t help but feel a little jealous again….It’s an awful feeling, and I squish it by reassuring myself that my path was in fact, my path, but it does creep its ugly head out sometimes to scare me or upset me. Our brains are really quite interesting aren’t they? They can be our best friends, and biggest cheerleaders one minute, then our worst enemies the next.
I had an ultra sound a week and a half before Parker was born, and nothing came up to warn us about his preterm birth. BUT, that being said, I felt him coming that following week, I just didn’t know it…..On top of being stressed out about moving into a new house, and stressed in general about having a preterm baby, it’s almost like I knew it would happen. Next time around I’m going to have to do a lot of role reversal psychology and think about my baby coming late?!
No two pregnancies are alike, no two babies are alike, no two mothers are alike. All you can do is know yourself, your baby, and your body. I am already scared about how long it will take to get pregnant, and what will happen during that pregnancy, and you know what, it’s ok, it’s even better to talk about it. I’m more aware this time of EVERYTHING, and hopefully just hopefully that alone can give me some peace of mind and body….
And on that note, I’m going to just enjoy the gift of life called my son, and hope he becomes a big brother one day, and maybe he’s just here to solve world peace, or be the next REAL president, and whatever the reason is and was, he’s here on his own time, and we are beyond lucky. Stay at bay my inner fears, I have a huge support system to scare you away….
How do you talk your mind out of being more at peace versus scared from your past experiences?
Namaste, and Rock On!