Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about life’s process, life’s processes, the many journeys we venture out on, and the obstacles and success we face a long the way. All of it, is all part of it. Part of what you may ask? The big picture.
When I think about anything and everything I’ve ever wanted in my personal life, I notice a unique pattern. In my own personal journeys, nothing I have ever wanted was handed to me. This doesn’t make me better then the next person, or worse, it just makes me, me. I don’t have the conscious ability to understand what it’s like to get something, easily. I have worked for EVERYTHING in my life, but I have also noticed, that all of the end results were WAY better then I ever could’ve imagined.
There’s my father. He passed away when I was only 5 1/2 years old. If that didn’t a do a number on my childhood, I don’t know what did. With that though, my mother married an amazing man, who is also, my father. That man, raised me, from age 6 on. I may not be his DNA, but I am his, and he is mine. I couldn’t be more lucky. We hit the jackpot and beyond with that marriage.
There’s my career. I struggled to get hired as a full time DJ, and didn’t land my job until 2006, six years after graduating college. I worked for minimum wage in the promotions department, earning the respect from my bosses, the listeners, and the coworkers. I took insane side jobs just to pay the rent, but I made it. Eleven years later, I’m still a full time radio DJ.
There’s my marriage. I went through many many stages and phases, before I was ready to find the “right” guy, and had many lessons to learn, which of course, was all part of it. I didn’t get married until I was 36 years old, but that was my path, and boy was the juice worth the squeeze.
There’s Parker, my son. I struggled to get pregnant. I was so naive about my future “infertility” journey, that I went on my honeymoon and came back to find myself in drug stores buying pregnancy tests, as if it was going to be that easy. To this day, I have NO idea what it’s like to just “make a baby”. I’ve had needles, needles, more and more needles, and hormones, and insecurities, and overall battles within myself and my marriage, that a couple faces when coming to terms with any form of infertility. And boy do I know that I didn’t, and I don’t have it “that bad”, but I had/have my own hardships, and they are rightfully mine. Then, I had pure joy, and a real pregnancy, but even that was a battle. My son coming two months early, the journey to become a mother in a NICU and pray for the day I could take my son home, but again, it was all part of it.
It’s what makes me, me. We all have our own unique codes of life that keep us sane, and transform us into a better version of ourselves. I know I for one, am happy with the fact that I had to work on everything I’ve ever wanted in my life. It makes me appreciate it, that much more…
Sometimes I get stuck in ruts, sometimes I zombie through my day feeling like the worst mother ever, as I just stare at the clock and wait for nap time. It’s all part of it. I’m allowed to have bad days, and I’m allowed to have good days, because they shape who I am as a mother, and how I REALLY appreciate the good days , that much more.
I know that I will go on many more quests in this lifetime, and the one thing that helps keep my mind at ease, is that each step, is a foundation to the path of my goal. I know that I will always get from point A to point B, even when NOTHING makes sense and I feel like I’m drowning in my own thoughts. It’s who I am, and who I will always be.
Right now, I’m hoping for sunnier days, and new quests won. I’m hoping for change, and I’m wishing for a rebirth of who I am at the moment. The season is upon us, and the love is in my heart. And when I get there, I’ll look back and see again, all the parts that make and made me, me.
“Have faith in your journey. Everything had to happen exactly as it did, to get you where you’re going next.”
Namaste, and Rock On!