I’m a mother. I say it to myself, I even say it out loud, but sometimes it doesn’t even feel real?! I created a human??? I have a child?? A living, breathing, eating creature who counts on me every. single. day.??!!! I wonder if it will ever feel real, probably in some ways yes, and others no…..The gift of creating life.
I’m a mother. My son Parker will be five months next week, 3 months adjusted (he was born two months premature), and I wonder if it will ever not be shocking, to be someone’s mother. I had a very long time of just being myself, that I literally stop myself dead in my tracks sometimes, and realize I’m not who I was, I’m so, so much more.
I’m a mother. When I’m tired, and exhaustion has hit levels I never even knew were possible, I am reminded that I’m a mother, because I know that catching up on sleep, is not a possibility…until maybe “they’re” 18?
I’m a mother. What are my needs anyway, or what were my needs once upon a five months ago? I used to go run an errand or workout and didn’t have to pack my car with 8 “necessary” items to do so. Oh the things those tiny little babies “need” for such a small amount of time. What did our founding fathers and cave men do without newborn loungers and nursing pillows anyway? I remember when I thought life back then was hard, boy was I naive. Life was, well, simple.
I’m a mother. Life is far from simple, and my heart has millions of new pores and emotions. I do not feel any peace until my baby is fed and is happy. Only then, can I even think about putting a morsel of food in my mouth. My concern is my child, and I eat to nourish my child as a breastfeeding mama. I see time, as in “when do I need to feed my son,” or do I need to pump to keep my supply up… I do not see a clock and numbers anymore.
I’m a mother. I imagined being one, I had NO idea how hard it would be to be one, and I also didn’t know how full my heart and life would get as a result. I am forever changed, shifted, altered, for the better of course. Life “pre baby” seems so far away, and so simple, almost like I was a teenager forever, and this, this is the real sh*t.
I’m a mother. Every single thing I do is with my son in the back of my head. I do not make any choice without wondering how it impacts my child. And, I have a husband, who is my love, and my partner, and we fight and we laugh, and we are a freaking team in this new thing called parenting. We look at each other and lean on each other, and not every day is beautiful, but every day is a gift. Life is scary, life is harder, life is different, but it’s brighter, bigger, and so, so much more meaningful.
I’m a mother. My clothes are shaggy, my nails need to be painted, and I haven’t slept in five months. But, every time I’m alone, and maybe see a glimpse of my old self, I remember that girl well……. She was dreaming of becoming the woman, the mother, I am today.
Namaste, and Rock On!
“I didn’t lose myself when I became a mother, I found myself.”