I feel it all

As I sit down to type this blog post, I can’t help but sing the lyrics to “I feel it all” by The Feist.  You’re more then welcome to join me, if you’d like.

The thing is, when your father drops dead of a heart attack in front of your very eyes at the mere age of 5 1/2 years old, you kind of learn very early on how to feel it all.  Sure I could’ve gone the other way I guess and been numb to life, but years of therapy, yoga, and a huge support system, have taught me to always, feel it all.

In fact when I was the maid of honor for my younger sister Tamara’s wedding, and when she was mine, we both mentioned in our speeches, how we both feel it all.  We have always shared the same heart.  We may not have similar lives, or similar likes, but we always meet on the same page, when it comes to levels of the heart.

I usually say, I’d rather feel it all, or feel too much, then nothing at all.  Years of therapy have taught me to feel things as they hit, mourn or rejoice, and then move forward.  But when I’m in it, I’m in it hard.  It could be as simple as having a house guest for the weekend, and watching them leave, my heart hurts every single time.

As a kid, it was worse, WAY worse.  I mourned the leaving of everyone who came to visit me as soon they left.  Obviously when you lose your father suddenly at such a young age, you are forever cautious of when anyone leaves your side, for anything.  My poor mother had to deal with a VERY upset daughter every single day of my school year in the first grade, after losing my dad.  I remember it too, I was afraid to lose her, to leave her, I still am in many ways, and I always will be.

I’ve definitely come a LONG way, but yes, I still feel it all.  I haven’t really had the “feelies” in quite some time, but I was reminded of my fragile heart this past weekend.  My son and I stayed at my parents’ farm for the holiday weekend, and boy was it just what I needed.  Country, family time, and lots and lots of love.  My sister also came down with my niece and nephew for one of the nights, which it made it that much better.  Like clockwork, as soon as she left, I felt it.  I missed her with my whole heart.  Lucky for me,  I am traveling to see her next month with my mother and son, but man it hurts every time I have to say goodbye.

As I got home last night after a very, very, long, and amazing weekend, the kind where time stands still and it feels like a week rather then a weekend, I mourned the loss of the weekend.  How can you mourn a good time you may ask?  It’s just who I am, I can practically find myself in tears, missing the moments I just had.  It’s crazy to think that in my late 30’s, this character trait of mine is STILL VERY existent in my soul.  I love hard, and I miss hard, my heart is very, very, open, for better or worse.  I just try to tell myself that even when I’m sad and missing the past, at that moment, I’m making a new memory I will eventually miss as well.

It’ll be interesting to see how I do as a mother with this insanely sensitive feely heart of mine.  I’ve only just tapped the surface finishing my son’s first year of life, and I can’t wait to enjoy all of the future moments, miss them, and then move on to make new ones, and repeat…….Ah this life, isn’t it grand?

What makes your heart hurt, in a hurt so good kind of way?  Do you feel it all too?

Namaste, and Rock On!

 

  15 Replies to “I feel it all”

  1. May 30, 2017 at 8:42 pm

    My heart always hurts the same way. I certainly had the blues last night. I just wanted to get the new week started so I could get out of the doldrums. I always had a hard time when I had seen my parents and I do when I see Jamie. But… If the times we have weren’t so great , we wouldn’t feel the pain of them ending. And from endings,
    We get beginnings. Namaste

    • May 30, 2017 at 10:55 pm

      So true oh wise mama! Parker has been calling out for you all day:( he misses you too xo

  2. Anonymous
    May 30, 2017 at 9:19 pm

    Love you

  3. Shaina
    May 30, 2017 at 9:26 pm

    Love this! I too have insecurities when people leave me and I’m the worst at goodbyes. My dad also died at a young age and it was tough not having a father figure and then meeting my sister and brother 12 years later only to loose my brother in a tragic accident so I totally get it! We just have to live and love with all our hearts I too wear my heart on my sleeve.. your a special person I knew that the moment I met you

    • May 30, 2017 at 10:54 pm

      Aw sweetie, we definitely have some very very unique similarities. I feel SO blessed to have met you, and knew you were a gem as well. I think it’s great we were our hearts on our sleeves, life is too short to hide anything and not be ourselves, love love love you!

  4. GillyBean
    May 30, 2017 at 11:13 pm

    My heart strings on this one!! Girrrrl you are my soul sista for certain! We learned from a young age what loving hard is all about-I too know that feeling-the mourning of good times…of amazing times with good people….losing my mom at 5 definitely brought that on as well, so spot on. I thank your dad and mom for bringing you into this world-heartbroken for what you’ve endured, but hell-look at you superwoman, and your super mother as well-raising two kickass daughters 🙂 I love you and am so happy we ended up in each other’s lives!! namaste and rock on sweet soul!! Love you to the moon! Xoxox

    • June 5, 2017 at 7:53 pm

      I love you, and am VERY blessed to have met you this year!!! You’re my soul sister and you lift me up weekly xo

  5. Melissa
    May 31, 2017 at 5:44 pm

    I’m missing you right now! Hope to see you soon, beauty. Love your blog xo

  6. Liv
    May 31, 2017 at 9:36 pm

    I feel it all too. Sometimes too much. But better than not at all absolutely.

    • June 5, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      YES! I’m definitely the one crying, all the time…

  7. June 1, 2017 at 12:25 pm

    Mourning weekends! Yes! That’s such an us thing.
    We totally have the same heart but I bottle mine more and that leads to more implosions and explosions. So you have the right idea!!

    • June 5, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      You’ve come a long long way dear sister same heart beholder of mine xo

  8. Joseph A. Della Ferra
    June 2, 2017 at 5:38 pm

    Keep making memories, Lindsay. It’s okay to be not as happy because the fun together for now has ended.

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