As I sit down to type this blog post, I can’t help but sing the lyrics to “I feel it all” by The Feist. You’re more then welcome to join me, if you’d like.
The thing is, when your father drops dead of a heart attack in front of your very eyes at the mere age of 5 1/2 years old, you kind of learn very early on how to feel it all. Sure I could’ve gone the other way I guess and been numb to life, but years of therapy, yoga, and a huge support system, have taught me to always, feel it all.
In fact when I was the maid of honor for my younger sister Tamara’s wedding, and when she was mine, we both mentioned in our speeches, how we both feel it all. We have always shared the same heart. We may not have similar lives, or similar likes, but we always meet on the same page, when it comes to levels of the heart.
I usually say, I’d rather feel it all, or feel too much, then nothing at all. Years of therapy have taught me to feel things as they hit, mourn or rejoice, and then move forward. But when I’m in it, I’m in it hard. It could be as simple as having a house guest for the weekend, and watching them leave, my heart hurts every single time.
As a kid, it was worse, WAY worse. I mourned the leaving of everyone who came to visit me as soon they left. Obviously when you lose your father suddenly at such a young age, you are forever cautious of when anyone leaves your side, for anything. My poor mother had to deal with a VERY upset daughter every single day of my school year in the first grade, after losing my dad. I remember it too, I was afraid to lose her, to leave her, I still am in many ways, and I always will be.
I’ve definitely come a LONG way, but yes, I still feel it all. I haven’t really had the “feelies” in quite some time, but I was reminded of my fragile heart this past weekend. My son and I stayed at my parents’ farm for the holiday weekend, and boy was it just what I needed. Country, family time, and lots and lots of love. My sister also came down with my niece and nephew for one of the nights, which it made it that much better. Like clockwork, as soon as she left, I felt it. I missed her with my whole heart. Lucky for me, I am traveling to see her next month with my mother and son, but man it hurts every time I have to say goodbye.
As I got home last night after a very, very, long, and amazing weekend, the kind where time stands still and it feels like a week rather then a weekend, I mourned the loss of the weekend. How can you mourn a good time you may ask? It’s just who I am, I can practically find myself in tears, missing the moments I just had. It’s crazy to think that in my late 30’s, this character trait of mine is STILL VERY existent in my soul. I love hard, and I miss hard, my heart is very, very, open, for better or worse. I just try to tell myself that even when I’m sad and missing the past, at that moment, I’m making a new memory I will eventually miss as well.
It’ll be interesting to see how I do as a mother with this insanely sensitive feely heart of mine. I’ve only just tapped the surface finishing my son’s first year of life, and I can’t wait to enjoy all of the future moments, miss them, and then move on to make new ones, and repeat…….Ah this life, isn’t it grand?
What makes your heart hurt, in a hurt so good kind of way? Do you feel it all too?
Namaste, and Rock On!