Lately I’ve been feeling the weight of the world, and the only thing that has been getting me through it, is finding my light. I look for light every day, the positive vibes from things, smells, food, people. It’s always there, I just need it a little more lately, and I am more aware of my search for it. I feel like even though geographically I’m not in the middle of a natural storm, I have my own demons that keep swirling around my brain on a consistent spiral.
The thing is, I’m now getting far enough into my pregnancy, where I can’t just ignore what happened to me before with my first born. I’ve been pretty good at numbing myself to it for the most part, but now it seems to linger around my thoughts. I don’t think about my due date, I think about when she could possibly be here. I don’t measure myself in weeks and think, “okay cool, I have x amount left”. On the contrary, I measure myself in NICU terms, and think “OK, this is how long her NICU stay would be”, if she came early. There’s no reason in the world for me to think she’ll make an early appearance like her brother, but it’s forever in the back of my mind.
With my son, we were packing up an apartment and buying a house. To say it was a storm when he showed up two months early, was an understatement. Bringing home a preemie to an apartment of boxes, then moving a preemie to a house full of boxes was in itself 100 storms. But, we survived, heck, we conquered.
So, I look for the light. Yes, it bothers me that I think about how far along my pregnancy is in terms of how my baby will survive in the NICU. Yes, I’d love to plan the holidays around my newborn baby, but no, the reality is, they will probably all be last minute plans, because I really don’t know when she will come. I’m on weekly shots that have proven to be very effective to get babies to full-term, but its a wound of mine to be scared. Not only is it a wound, or PTSD of sorts, it was only a year and a half ago that it all went down! I have absolutely healed from it, grown from it, and became the mother I am today because of it, but ……………it still lingers and haunts me from time to time.
My husband has noticed, he’ll ask if I’m freaking out at times. Yes. Yes I am. I want the baby’s room done, I don’t want to feel like I did last time. I want to be prepared. I had zero preparation last time, and YES we survived, but this time I have a toddler to take care of when our lives change forever. So yes, yes I do freak out. A lot.
Today, we ordered baby girl’s crib. I think I lost ten pounds in worry just doing that. All I had ever wanted to do with finding out my son was a boy, was to get ready for his arrival. I had zero chance to do so, and this time, I REALLY want to be “a little” prepared. Okay, maybe a lot. Heck, if I had it my way, the room and all of her insanely gorgeous clothes would be washed and put away by now. I know I’ll do it soon, I just have this knot in my throat, and pit in my stomach waiting for it to happen. I want it so much, that sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating when I just think about it. But, I look for the light, and I have vacation time coming up, and I breathe knowing, I will have some time to work on it, and we are all still FINE! Trust me though, I talk to myself daily and convince myself that I’m okay, we are all okay.
Hormones, those are fun too. The storms aren’t only consistent of my thoughts, there are other factors, people, and things that have hit every last nerve of mine, because oh those hormones. But, I get through it, because I look for the light.
For me, the light is my son, the light is my husband, the light is the very fact that I DO have a baby girl coming, and I have hit milestones that she will survive “if” she decided to come early too. The light is the support system I have so big and so broad. The light is the room that can and will be finished, in the light of my very first home. The light is I know what the NICU is all about, and if I had to do it again, it’d be a struggle but we’d conquer it again. The light is the love that I feel from this growing baby girl who kicks me constantly and though I ask her to stay in my belly as long as possible, I can’t wait to meet her when she’s good and cooked. The light, it’s healing, its everywhere.
I guess I just wanted to share my feelings, because so many people feel the weight of their own worlds and words, every single day. No two problems and situations are identical, but we all can find some common ground in finding our own light, to get through the journey. When you feel like you’re suffocating, and the world and problems in your head are flooding your entire being, find it, find that strength and that light. It’s always there for you to grab and hold onto, and maybe you and I can both learn how to let go of the darkness.
I’m doing the best I can, and that is all I can do.
Namaste, and Rock On!