I’m really good at giving people advice. I remember in college, my friends used to call me the communal therapist. I tend to live drama-free , as chill as can be day to day, but I am human, and I do have a major personality button that I’m constantly working on.
Thoughts based on fear creep into my brain more times then I’d like to admit. I may not act out of fear, but I think about fear….sometimes too much. Sometimes, I tend to wonder if it’s connected to losing my father at 5 1/2 years old. That’s a really young age to go through something so traumatic. It has obviously affected me my entire life, and I think in this way too, perhaps. I saw my father for lack of better words, drop dead from a massive heart attack at 36 years old. I also saw him get wheeled out of our house with the EKG machine set up. NOT the best vision for an almost six year old, but nevertheless it’s part of my story.
On the flip side, my last words to my father were, “I love you.” Then, my mother remarried an AMAZING man, who raised me from the age of 6 1/2 (yes they met pretty soon after), and on. That’s kind of been a pattern in my life, hardships, then blessings. I’m sure we all have that to some extent right? But I can’t help but wonder is the reason I feel fear a lot, because I saw the WORST thing that can happen to a child, happen when my brain was so young and developing? Is part of my brain always doomed to expect the worst, when my heart longs for the best?
It’s a forever process truth be told. I find myself constantly fighting my battle with fear. Sometimes the thoughts are so consuming, they suffocate me for a few seconds/minutes, but the other side of my brain almost blows it out of my mind, and switches the shift. I actually find myself CONSTANTLY talking to myself, when fear arises. I literally have to talk myself off the ledge sometimes, but in all honesty, I always do. I just get a little sad that the darkness even rears its ugly face at all.
But, that’s part of being a human right? We aren’t clean slates, we learn by experience, and even though our conscious brains know things CAN and WILL be great, sometimes our minds play tricks on us, and we question and doubt before we know, and believe. At the end of the day, all you can do is believe.
These days I have a few major life phases and transitions circling my brain that create moments of fear, pretty much every single day. Sometimes I have no idea how I’ll make it through the day, through the week, but there’s also a part of my heart that settles my mind, that just knows, I will, because I always do.
Life is full of battles, and hardships, but it’s also full of magic, unicorns (that aren’t a pink frappe), and triumphs. I have won many, many battles, even when I was terrified to do so. I guess what keeps me the most at ease, is being with my son. He is a constant reminder to me about seeing the world from a clean slate. I know everything to him is still brand new, and he has his whole life ahead of him, and it reminds me to believe. Believe in the goodness that prevails, the karma that rises, and the love I have surrounding me, and that I deserve.
All I can do, you can do, and we can do, is believe.
Rock on, and Namaste!