Here’s the thing, I’ve been hiding. Hiding in baggy clothes, hiding in my fears, and just plain in hiding, of it all.
Our family is expecting a new addition, and truth be told, I wanted so, so, much to be strong enough to talk about it, but I just couldn’t for quite some time. To be honest, the fears started way before I was pregnant. Just thinking about getting pregnant brought me into a panic mode. I KNEW I wanted to, but I seriously couldn’t even think about how I’d feel if and when it happened. Well, it’s here, I’m pregnant, and finally talking about it, and my feelings.
I know people say after you have a baby it’s easier to get pregnant the next time around, but it was the same story for us. Maybe I could’ve on my own if I had waited a long time. But time kept ticking and I made up my mind to go back to the fertility clinic around when Parker turned one years old. Mostly because I had a preemie baby, and I needed to heal mentally and physically, but also because I wanted a little bit of time to try on my own. I stopped nursing when Parker was 8 months old, but I’ve had my monthly visitor since he was 3 months old (total crap!). So who knows how much time we really tried on our own. I just knew it was only going to get harder and I really wanted our kids to be close in age, so we went back.
To say this time was harder is an understatement. Working the night shift, up all day with a one year old, and EARLY morning doctor visits that I had to have a babysitter for…..woah. I knew that one day I’d be out of the storm and look back and wonder how I did it. I’m looking back now, I made it, and somehow, as my son would say, “I did it!”
It took us two rounds to find ourselves blessed, just as it had with Parker. I was in “robot” mode 24/7, maybe to protect myself, or maybe because I was just TOO tired to think too much about it, but I powered through it all without feeling too much.
Unlike last time, this time when I knew I was pregnant, I was scared to death to tell anyone, or even admit it out loud. I was innocent the first time around, wanted and did tell people quickly!!!! Quite frankly, this time around, I missed that part of myself. I knew just as many stories last time around. Getting pregnant later in life exposes you to a lot of knowledge, sometimes too much. I had seen it all, and for some reason, this new pregnancy just didn’t feel real. Or, maybe I was just too scared to even accept it. I told my inner circle of friends, and also told them I’d NEVER talk about it online with strangers. With Parker coming early and all these fears and feelings, I didn’t need anyone else adding to my own darkness. I convinced myself to hide in baggy shirts, hoodies, and hide who I really am, someone who faces her fears head on.
To be honest, I didn’t want to tell the world at all until I told my family/friends, like the good old days. I think it was telling them the news, that actually turned things around for me. I was lucky enough to have my sister Tamara in town prior to me sharing our news, and we decided to take some photos of my son wearing his Big brother Tshirt I had bought him. The photos came out beautiful, and I started to loosen up a little, and actually feel excitement to tell others. Her photos are pretty magical!
Not only had I come into a “safer” part of my pregnancy to share the news, but something breathtaking was unfolding before my eyes. The BEAUTY in having another child, the REALITY, the TRUTH, not the fears which were blinding me from my usual happy open self.
I had decided I would share a photo of my son that my sister took by texting and/or emailing my close friends/family. I didn’t think I’d tell facebook at all by this point, even though I knew in my heart I wanted, and I needed to blog about it…….Maybe it was the high in sharing the news with my close friends/family, maybe it was the amazing photography, whatever the reason, it broke me down. I started to feel joy, as I should. I wanted to tell everyone, I just wanted to share positive news in general, in a world where we get such insane news daily. I began to change, I began to sift through my deepest fear.
Then it just kept hitting me, happiness is contagious and I was FINALLY celebrating in my heart and soul what a gift this all was and is! I knew I couldn’t hide any longer, not to mention my belly had REALLY popped physically! It’s not that I NEEDED to tell facebook, it’s more like I needed to finally talk about it, and be okay with anyone and everyone knowing. I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings, and it felt really therapeutic to share my family’s positive news. Therapeutic for me, and I hoped therapeutic for others who may also share some of my fears, on their own individual and personal level.
The thing is, it’s never going to get easier. I probably won’t be sharing “much” on facebook, just the facts. I’ll share my heart mostly in this blog, but I’ll be sharing overall, what I’m comfortable with. I’m not comfortable with people asking me my due date, and I’m too tired to track this pregnancy with cute photos and weekly updates, but I will share when I can, what I can, to help others, and of course, me.
I have many many people in my corner this time, all looking for any and every way to make this a LONG healthy pregnancy. That’s what I concentrate the most on. Worst case scenario, I walked in a preemie mother’s shoes before, and truth be told, it made me a stronger and BETTER mother today. It was a wonderful SCARY place with the best staff I could’ve ever imagined, who I will ALWAYS keep in touch with, and have become more like family to me. So, THAT is a pretty rocking worse case scenario in my eyes. It’ll be a long road, and an emotional pregnancy, but I have a one year old at home to distract my mind, hope in my heart, and belief in my soul that we got this. We SO got this.
Namaste, and Rock On!